Thursday, July 10, 2008

House Blues

I have been trying really hard to stay positive - stay focused on the silver linings of this whole situation I am in, but sometimes, I have to be honest here - I just want to throw in the towel. Between the gas turn off, the power being out, dealing with utility companies, huge storms, the tenant's toilet being problematic, and sorting my way out of the boxes from moving I find myself discouraged. Then you add in things like the fact my box spring mattress doesn't fit up the stairs so I am sleeping on my mattress on slats and yesterday I got a nasty case of the 24 hour stomach flu - it all starts to really get me down. Tonight I am meeting my mom, sister and brother in law for dinner to celebrate my brother-in-laws birthday. Afterwards I am going to pick up my ex's air conditioner from my sister. The ex lent it to me when I was in the apartment and when winter hit I stored it at my sister's place since I had no room for it. He wants it back - and I can't blame him, it has been pretty warm lately. But the thing is, the last thing I want to do is deal with it - or him.

I don't know how most people deal with divorce, how they face what happens afterwards. For me, I usually try not to think about the bad things, the pain and suffering. I've spent a lot of time in therapy dealing with what happened - and now I want to move on. I don't particularly want to see my ex or dwell in the past. The hard part is that lately every time I feel like I am going strong, it feels like the "fates" (or what-have-you) have had it in for me. Every time I start thinking I am getting it together, finding a way to make my life better, something bad happens. Now, intellectually I know that is rather silly. The universe doesn't revolve around me. A big storm doesn't hit my hometown to teach me a lesson. I know that, but... the sheer amount of rotten luck I have had lately is remarkable.

My therapist today challenged me on all this. She asked me why all this "stuff" was able to bring me down. Why does it make me feel sad. Yes, it is a rotten bit of luck, but why do I let such things effect me?

It's a good question, and part of the reason I am in therapy - to be asked questions like that. The obvious answer is that a bunch of crappy things have happened to me, so I've been in a crappy mood. But I know there is more to it than that.

In part I think that the reason these things can sway me so much is that my positive attitude is so thin - it is like a veneer over the anger I have. I don't want to be in this position, I don't want to be stuck in this house, struggling over every penny. Even when I was married I didn't want to live in this house. It is too big, too cold, and too old. I am rattling around inside of it like a lone penny in a child's piggy bank.

Still, being angry about it isn't going to change the situation. It is what it is. And one thing it is is temporary. I don't plan on living here forever. I have to keep in mind this is all part of a 3 year plan. By then I hope the market will have turned around and I can sell it to someone who will love it.

In the meantime I am not sure what I am going to do. Part of me thinks I still have to keep looking at the bright side and not let this angst bring me down. Giving into my hate isn't going to make it any easier to go home to... and frankly, why blame the house? It is just wood and nails, plaster and shingles - it isn't worthy of hate. I don't know that I can ever love it, but maybe somehow, the house and me can at least be friends.

Photo by Meanest Indian.

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